just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
