After last night, I could never be a politician.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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