I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
