And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
