dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
