God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
