Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
