im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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