when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
