My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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