put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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