Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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