Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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