it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
