I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
