The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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