Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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