god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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