Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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