My Higher Power is John Stamos
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
