You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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