my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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