too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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