people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
