fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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