Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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