I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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