My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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