time to smoke my breakfast
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
