3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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