Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
