The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
