Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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