I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
