Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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