my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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