Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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