I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
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my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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