I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
