I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
