Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You're like the curious george of whores
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
