a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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