So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
