After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
