im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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