my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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