I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
