I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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