he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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