im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Couch. On fire.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
