1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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