Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
