Too much gin, very little bucket
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
