This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
