Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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