I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
