i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
