apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We are all done wearing pants today
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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